Several years ago, I was asked to appear in a series of Bacardi ads to be featured in The New Yorker. To be honest, I don’t drink flavored Bacardi and don’t read The New Yorker. But this being my third novel, I was glad to be included and appreciative.

I guess I wasn’t a very good pitch man. I haven’t been asked to sell anything since. Unlike actors or athletes, authors are rarely asked for endorsements.
 
I recently ran across this ad, thinking I had never ordered a flavored cocktail in my life . . . wondering who I’d like to shill for. And came up with these conclusions:

#1 Any high-end bourbon. I’m not too picky but do enjoy Blanton’s, Eagle Rare and Four Roses. I also appreciate Woodford Reserve and Buffalo Trace.

#2 Crystal Hot Sauce. I recall being down in New Orleans two days after Hurricane Katrina and seeing the destruction of the Crystal factory first hand, worried if they’d be able to come back. Thankfully they did. Crystal goes great on pretty much everything — more flavorful and less vinegar-tasting that the flashier Tabasco.

#3 Abita Beer: There is not a single brew coming out of Abita Springs, Louisiana that I haven’t enjoyed. Some of the smaller batches have to be bootlegged back to Mississippi. But the Turbo Dog and Purple Haze are easily found. I’d be glad to work for a few six packs.

#4 Lucchese Boots: This boot company out of El Paso was the outfitter to Western stars like Jimmie Stewart and John Wayne. A good pair of Luccheses will last a life time and only get better and more comfortable as the year’s pass.

#5 Levi’s: As a writer, I pretty much live in jeans and have been wearing Levi’s since I could walk. I don’t wear — or could wear — the skinny leg variety favored by hipsters. The big, boot cut variety works perfectly. Would be glad to shill for the American original anytime.

I’d also be glad to show my appreciation to Ford for making the F-150 and to Loyall for making a really fine dog food that my pack enjoys a great deal. (Note: not to imply I eat the dog food myself.)

If any of these companies are reading this, I’m ready to work and this time can shill with great enthusiasm and honesty.

— Ace

ps: Did I mention, we’re a month away from the release of my eighth novel, INFAMOUS?

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